set this house in order

and this time it's nothing but a metaphor. the mess is in my head. in my life. in what i do and create around me. i'm sick of being grumpy old claudia, whining about not being able to make plans and yet making none. guess i don't really want a plan, right now, even though i feel lost without one: the one thing i'd like is to feel fine without a plan. and i can't.
i make lists. to do lists, reminders, whatever. i recently learned that multiple personalities do that, to keep track of stuff among different selfs. that's not my point. i'm not multiple, at least i hope i'm not. it's just a tool i use to try and overcome my laziness, which propagates to everything i set hands on. can't stand it. can't go on like that. but still, the lists don't work.
and i know it's stupid making resolutions (fitter, happier... whatever...) because even if i'm convinced about something, when i tell myself to do it, it always feels like fake. like i'm playing a character. i look at myself from outside (yeah, i'm a bit nuts) and the only thing i want to do is laugh. unless i believe it in my guts, i cannot convince myself of a single thing.
so, no new month resolutions, nor end of the year resolutions. no resolutions at all. except, to set this house in order. whatever it takes. even at the expense of having to multiply myself, and become less and less together myself...