it was about time

ok, i have to admit that i almost gave up on this blog. shame on me, i know, but whatever. it's been a tough time. it's been a tough year. too much happening, and nothing at the same time... and i thought about blogging so often. actually thought about writing mostly every single moment, with my mind always going too far away, especially when i'm alone with my freaking self. but still, didn't really manage to get much written down after all... bought countless notebooks and only managed to scribble on less than half of them... guess it's my perfectionist paranoid attitude - if i have an idea, it has to be perfect, and since of course it never is, then i delay it and delay it in order to be more perfect. procrastination, that should be my name. or denial. works pretty well too. look at my room. been living here for more than 2 months, and it's a huge mess with cluttering stuff of all sorts. ok, my room is usually messy and for some unknown reason it's even messier in the fall. october, especially. i usually manage to get it together by november though. but this time, got no excuse. it's been weeks! forgot to mention, i changed places. am living in munich now. no longer pretty good old boring heidelberg, where i'm actually spending a lot of time anyway so that it feels like i never left, just that it feels like i left like all the time. yep. changed city, changed jobs. am actually writing at work now - or at least, am supposed to do it and try to whenever i can. that's probably why i haven't been writing a lot outside of work. i mean, i've actually been writing a lot anyway, but for pseudo projects that resemble work, so it doesn't count. and i procrastinate them all the time anyway. but i haven't been writing for myself. haven't even used yet the amazing typewriter my lovely friends got me when i graduated. which is still in heidelberg actually. well had no desk here till last weekend, so it made little sense to carry it around. still, no good excuse for not writing. can't believe i haven't written extensively for months... i have an almost empty notebook with stories from 2 or 3 days from my more than three week long trip in the states. that's also ridiculous. started taking notes but then was too overwhelmed and stopped. and then never wanted to start again without filling the gaps, which of course i never had time to, bec there was always too much to see and hear and live and shoot and tell. well i still have memories, so i should write them down until they're still there. and sort the photos too. but when? no way i'm getting it done, and at the expense of my current and very many thoughts... no freaking way. at least i'm blogging now. have been thinking about doing that for weeks now. that's a start. even an end has a start, the editors sang. they're playing here around these days, don't remember when actually, am not going though. but been to placebo's concert last night, just by chance and it was cool. although we were sitting in the boring places and boring germans did not allow us to go down where it was more fun, bec we didn't have the right tickets... uncool, and way too german... there was plenty of space for us! was cool btw, although way too short, but nicely played - incidentally, how hot is the bass player? never realised that! so tall and skinny... maybe was also due to the cool graphics which came along, probably overdoing a little with super high contrast b/w which i love btw... why do i love it so much, i still don't know... maybe bec i lead a grey life, and i'm constantly looking for something to catch my eye... my eye which happens to be tired at the moment... haven't almost taken a shot since i'm here, only a few useless ones with my new little digital leica jewel, but still i haven't taken my good old minolta out yet. guess i don't even have any film, or maybe i do have a few colour ones which basically means i don't have any. don't even know where to find b/w film here... maybe it's just bec i don't like to shoot at things i don't know, maybe i'm too shy and lazy and anyway am not going around the city that much... or maybe i've got too much 'footage' from this summer, still have to digest it, go through all the pics, would love to print some but coulnd't even imagine how and where and when... am a failure as a photographer, after all i've never been that creative. see you at the bitter end. apparently i'm already there...