never leave unsupervised

otherwise i'll end up doing some stupid thing like crashing my head or burning my hair - accidentally of course! - or end up sick in bed, trying to treat sore throat with thai food. to name a few. sometimes i have the feeling i should really hire a tutor. or simply grow up, maybe.

i look around and my room reminds me of how it looked one year ago, when i had just moved here - and incidentally also started this blog... but i'm too weak right now to start sorting things out. maybe it is because being surrounded by this huge mess it's easier to delay stuff. stuff i have to do, stuff i'd like to do, my ambitious plans of whatsoever... (that was actually my ambitious attempt to shrink myself. pitiful.)

if left unsupervised, i start feeling moody. start wishing i'd be somewhere else, doing something else, but then i keep on feeling cranky doing something that makes me feel cranky in a place that makes me cranky. don't try to come out of that, because i'm scared. scared of what, this i don't know. or maybe i am just not ready to admit it to myself, that's why it feels like i don't know the reason. (here's another terrible attempt. need a better shrink than myself.)

last week i discovered a place i had no clue about. karlstorbahnhof. it's a cultural centre here in heidelberg. well actually i had been several times there, in the cinema, in the club, even in the theatre. but i had never seen what's behind that. the gray matter. the offices. then i had to go there to meet a guy from the fair trade store. and i found out this brand new world, these offices where people seem they're having fun, planning events and believing in a better world...

and being there, i realised several things. that you will always think a place makes you cranky even if it's not the place, but it's just your fault and you haven't being searching enough. that when you realise something makes you cranky and you think you've searched enough, even if it's not true, then you should try and change, because persevering in the quest won't probably make things any better. at least a change could do it. well, it's not like an epiphany. it's actually pretty trivial stuff. that i know and knew all over. just materialised, all of a sudden, in a place i though i knew, but not enough. whatever.

it's delirious, i know. after all, i'm still sick. better get some sleep now.