nemesis

drifted away by too many things, i tend to forget how and why everything started. try to focus on all the little steps i have to take every day, and get carried away thinking where they could get me, eventually. well not that eventually, but still. never go back to the roots. until the roots appear and can't avoid facing them. epiphany.

i went to a talk today, and saw exactly what i somehow expected i wanted to turn into. well, what i expected when i was a kid. an astronomer, extremely confident, presenting her work with energy. passionate. v. clear. not show-off but still sure you know it best. in a suit. am not sure i was imagining the suit as well. might be.
and then i look at me now, and not only i'm soo far from that. i don't really want to be that anymore. nothing wrong about that, just life goes on and things change. i believe i stopped feeling that way a long time ago, but never really observed that thought. yep, because i probably never faced it until now in such a blatant way.

it's not my thing. but is it because i don't want it to be my thing, or just because i can't? foolish question. the will is stronger than the body's weight, as my yoga teacher would say. but my will is weak, or it's just that i'm unforgivably lazy...
but still, don't really know if it's really not my thing. i presume, if that had been the case, i wouldn't have reacted this way. wouldn't have felt bad. would have felt indifferent. wouldn't have become so moody. wouldn't have been at least a teeny tiny bit jealous. wouldn't have needed a half hour jog to wash bad thoughts away.

i used to think of myself that way, but that was ages ago. then i stopped, started thinking of myself as so many different things it's not easy to tell if i hardly resemble any of them. don't feel i want to be that, don't feel i can, maybe both...
should only those people be handling with science?

and i find myself blushing, when i look at me younger, naively imagining something i had no clue about. or maybe i'm blushing because of what i've become??